Well, gramma passed away on the 6th and it's been hard. I did get through it however. It seems as though she sort of gave me strength somehow, as weird as that sounds. I feel emotionally stronger than I have in a very long time.
Not much else is happening. I'm back at work, which sucks cause my feet are once again not used to all the standing. Going from 8 hrs a weeks to 40 is brutal. Actually I'm doing 6 days in a row so its actually a 48hr week, 51 hrs if you count the unpaid lunch "hours" - which are only 30 minutes each. lol.
I really need the money though so its a good thing.
I don't really have anything else to say I guess.
Mom, if you're reading this in montreal, I miss ya and hope you're having a good time. Be careful with those knees!

Hello folks,

not much really to update you on. Have been on stress leave from work, so no stories there. My mood seems to be stableizing - hmmm, I apparently don't know how to spell that. It doesnt look right no matter what I try. Anyway, as long as I stay in the house I am relatively calm. I had to go in to the store a couple days ago though, for a dr appointment (my doc is at the clinic upstairs), and just being in there it felt like I had an arythmia thing going on. Was visibly shaking till I got back home. So that isn't good.
Tomorrow I'm scheduled to work and I think that's a good thing, despite what my dr thinks, cause I don't want to slip into an agoraphobic rutt. I have enough issues without adding that one on to it.
Me and Karin are getting along well, as always, and are getting used to the friendship.

On a more serious note, my grandmother is not doing well. Warren, I don't know if you heard about this yet, so if not, I'm sorry you're hearing this way but I can't afford longdistance calls.
Yesterday morning she had a heartattack and they took her in to the hospital. They did a .... I don't know what its called. They basically went in through one of her veins to take a look and found some blockage so they put in a couple of shunts. The operation went well, but apparently now there's trouble with her kidneys and... well they don't figure she's gonna be leaving the hospital again. The drs say its probably just a matter of time.

I can't even wrap my head around it. I can't seem to imagine a world that doesn't have her in it. I've come to realise, in the past few months, that I owe her a lot. She was always so completely unshakable. She could forgive anyone anything and never had a harsh word.
I think a lot of who I've become, I became because I was trying to be like her. I failed most of the time of course, but having that kind of role model made me a stronger person I think, and has helped me get through some of the stuff I've been through without becoming bitter and awful.


My grandfather showed me the way a person should treat the person that they love, completely unconditionally and as if they're the most precious thing in the world. And my Grandmother showed me how to be someone who was worth being loved that way.
They actually had a positive impact on the world, by raising a family of people who learned by their examples and it won't be the same without them.

On a purely selfish note, I'm a little afraid about my ability to handle this at the moment, considering how badly I'm handling everything else. I'm going to try very hard to focus on the positive. She had a wonderful life and is surrounded by people who love her. And she'll get to be with my grandfather again.
She spends so much of her time lately feeling confused, and even scared, that maybe its selfish to hope that she'd continue in that state for much longer. It's just gonna be SO hard to say goodbye.

hello, just killing a few minutes while my food cooks. Suddenly realised that I was painfully hungry cause all I've had to eat today is a KFC chicken fiesta bowl or whatever the fuck its called. You know, one of those ridiculously gross and yet compelling concoctions that KFC has come up with to prove just exactly how fat and lazy canadians are. Sort of a shepherds pie thing with mashed potatoes and corn but with chicken poppers, gravy and cheese.
You would think that would do for a weeks worth of food but apparently not. They're actually not that big, just filling and gross.
Tasty though.
Keep sort of forgetting to eat. Or, not really forgetting exactly a much as couldn't be bothered.
Whoops, microwave is pinging at me. I should wrap this up.
Actually spent a very nice afternoon with mom, hanging out and checking out furniture for her new place. Also ran some errands and went to see my gramma at the retirement home. Fancy place by the way. Very posh.
Don't know how I'm feeling now. Sort of numb and wound up at the same time. Don't know how its possible to be both but...well there it is.
Its amazing how stepping back into this apartment keeps messing me up. Maybe it wouldn't if my dumbass son ever bothered to be at home. Now is not a good time for me to be living alone.
Anyway, gonna eat and try to get some sleep. If I manage to get more than four hours I'm gonna go in to work and see how I do.
If I don't manage that much, it pretty much means I've been insomniacking all night and will undoutedly be all screwed in the head again by morning. We'll see I guess.

I REALLY don't know if this is a good idea tonight.Usually writing these things help, but about an hour after writing my entry last night I had a sort of panic attack/breakdown thing which was incredibly unpleasant and actually lead me to the drs office this morning, kind of scared of my own thoughts.
I actually came back on around mnidnight and wrote a long completely illegible ramble, almost breaking my keyboard I was punching the keys so hard. And I know I shouldnt delete stuff cause its all real and so on but that one was reading like a bad demented character monologue on crack and frankly I figured that no matter how I came back on and tried to rationalize and explain I would never have really been able to take those things back and have no interest in scaring the crap out of my friends and family.
I'm okay now, and knew that I somehow probably would be even though I couldnt imagine it at the time so what was the point really?
For the record the attack wasn't "oh I'm sad we broke up" based. I simply became completely overwhelmed by the daunting reality of the suckiness of my life. The relationship having been taken out of the equation of my life, I honestly couldn't see a damn thing, a single element, of my life, that I wouldn't change if I could. And I couldn't see how I could possibly change a single one of them.
I still don't. I still can't. With my current ...um... hmmmm, I'm searching for some sort of emotional toolbox metaphor but its eluding me.

dammit

Basically, there are specific emotional/mental blocks that I have that make me completely incapable of certain changes, specifically when it comes to switching jobs. Or even doing certain aspects of the job I DO have. While I understand why I have the issues I have, and have a fairly good idea of what they are, I cannot define them intelligently to a third party, and I simply don't have any more ideas in terms of how to fix them. I've tried everything in my emotional toolbox (god that is SO not a satisfying metaphor) but they simply don't work. The issues are as ingrained as they ever were. And frankly they're getting worse, because now when they stop me from succeeding at the simplest tasks, I have 38 years of frustration and failure piled on top of it. And I simply can't put myself in any situation that smashes me up against those emotional walls again cause its just too much.
And I swear if one more person in my life tells me to just "push through it and do what you have to do" my head will explode. That advice applies in a lot of instances but this really isn't one of them. Trust me. I've tried. For years.

So at the drs office this morning i asked for a referal to a therapist. I admit I have little or no faith in the potential advice I may recieve. But lord knows I have been wrong before. And frankly I'm out of options so I'll hope for the best.
If nothing else, it would be good to have a label to stick on it so I don't have to keep pleading retardation to get out of new responsibilities that I simply can't handle. I'm sure there is some learning disabilty at the root of it, combined with an emotional response to its manifestation. A label for either would be tremendously helpful, and pinning it down more specifically could lead to a specific fix for the problem.

We'll see I guess.

In the meantime (wow that word doesn't look right at all) I just have to force myself to not dwell on the general suckiness. To that end, I'm doing my best to avoid entire days spent by myself. I've also got, technically, two weeks off work. I say technically because, while my dr recommended I take a month off, concerned about what he called "severe clinical depression" (Which is a pet peeve by the way, clinical just basically means diagnosed in a clinic) - I talked him down to 2 weeks, cause a girls gotta eat. And in those two weeks, I still intend to work on days when I'm feeling up to it, and on the days when they desperately need me. On fridays for example, we usually have 2 or 3 weddings to do and if I'm sick, my colleage penny has to do them all alone,which is not humanly possible.
At least, with the note, I now have official permission to NOT go in, on days when I simply can't handle it...instead of going IN on days when i can't handle it and standing there trying not to hyperventilate while serving customers.

Luckily my boss seems to be being very understanding about it and seems to GET that its not just me being sad cause I broke up with my girlfriend. And its really not. Thats just the straw that broke the camels back (another uninspired metaphor). It put me over the edge in terms of the amount of suckiness I can handle at any given time.

The breakups actually going fairly well. Still sad and will be so for a long time I'm sure, but the friendship is feeling more...I don't know, natural or something. Less forced. The pink elephant standing in the corner is sort of shrinking, turning into a pink hippo or a manatee or something.

What's with manatees anyway? How do you get THAT fat easting seagrasses? Fattest vegans I ever saw I'll tell you that.

Hello again,

it seems like a day spent bored is like the kiss of death to my mood lately. Wether its bored at work, especially if I am working alone, or a day at home, unable to find anything to do that peaks my interest. Yesterday I was okay. Happy almost, spent it with my mom, looking at apartments and disussing her future possibilities, had chinese food, basically hung out and it was really nice.

Today though it was one of those days when you aren't up for anything but tv, and the tv is crappy. And of course, my brain kept going back to the negatives. I know it could be much worse, I could have lost Karin altogether and I haven't blah blah blah....

But that isn't helping at the moment. I just keep thinking how that part of my life was the best part, the one with the xciting future lined up, travel and love and alll of that. And the "present" was good too. Not perfect of course. I know that. I remember that. But really the biggest problem I had with that part of my life was that I missed her so much and couldn't wait till I didn't have to miss her anymore.
It was this...special thing I had. A long distance romance that no one thought could work, beating the odds together because we loved eachother so much. And I had her as a happy thought to cheer myself up with when things were sad or boring or whatever.
Well now my life is still sad and boring and whatever, but my happy thought makes me cry.
I had no idea how often I relied on the ... I don't, existence of Karin, and our relationship, to pull myself out of a crappy mood.
A couple of days ago, we made ouselves stop saying "goodnight my love" "goodnight beautiful" on the phone. Now its just good night. Its amazing how the LACK of words can cut so deeply. I miss being called "my love".
The most endearing nickname I ever had in a relationship before was "freckles". Oooh, be still my fucking heart.

I really need to find something to fill the void left by the absent romance. Something other than whining and beer I mean.
Karin has her path at least so that's helping her somewhat. I don't have anything. She says I should get back involved with theatre. Unfortunately I wasn't NOT doing theatre because of Karin. I wasn't doing it because I don't have the physical energy to deal with rehearsals and stuff after being on my feet all day, and that hasn't changed just because we broke up.

I know that it should probably be writing, but after my latest manuscript got turned down, I can't seem to get back on the horse. Especially since the next logical step is reworking the manuscript or sending it out somewhere else, and due to the subject matter of the manuscript I can't possibly face even opening the damn thing.

I hate this. Sacrificing the present for some theoretically more promising future. I'm a procrastinator. I don't care about the future. I just want to be happy now goddammit. So yeah, maybe in a year or two, or three, I'll find someone else and be desperately in love again, and happy again and blah blah blah.
But all I keep thinking is that my life, which already pretty much sucked ass, sucks even harder now and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

The problem is, I've come to realise that, while I don't "need" a relationship to be happy, I am happiest when I am in love. I'm at my best then. When I'm making someone else happy, making them see that they are special and fabulous and loved. Its like rising to a challenge and becoming a better person just to see if I can.
I was never funnier or sweeter or a thousand other positive things - than when I was with Karin. And now its like... like I don't only miss her, I'm actually missing the person I was when I was with her, I think I loved that person almost as much as She did.

God, a pychotherapist would have a field day with that. "You should never define yourself by your relationship" "If you aren't yourself when you are with them, then what is it that they love?"

But its like a comic without an audience, they might be funny but how do they belive it, or know it when there is no one there to laugh?

How I was with her was never an act. Sometimes it seems as if the only time in my life that I WASN'T acting, was when I was with her. She is the only person I have ever been able to be completely myself with, without any self-consciousness, without worrying about how I was being percieved or judged, without ever worrying that I was going to lose her. And, having lost her, I don't know that I'll ever be able to be that open with anyone again. I think maybe thats what people mean when they talk about a part of themselves dying.

Whether its healthy or not, everyone is different with different people. Everyone defines themselves to some degree by the way they are perceived in different company. With my theatre people I'm confident and funny. With extended family and strangers I'm quiet and shy. Different people just bring out different parts of us, different sides of us, completely different people that we become depending on the circumstance. And its not a conscious act, or a crazy "three faces of eve" thing.
And yes I know that there are people who just don't let that happen, who are equally offensive with their priest as with their buddies at the bar ... or equally comfortable having lunch with their bosses or their own children. But those people are very lucky, and I think very few and far between.

And I'm just not one of those people. The fact is, no one else has ever brought out the person in me that Karin did and that person, whoever she was, HAS died.

Now before I get angry responses, I'm sure I'll be funny again, and sweet again and blah blah blah, and maybe even get to the same place again with someone else, where I can be completely myself without fear of consequence. But it won't be the same. I won't be the same with someone else, because that phantom someone will appreciate different parts more, will be irritated by different things, amused by different things. So those are the parts that SHE will bring out in me.
I guess I'm just mourning the loss of the person that Karin loved so much, cause she was pretty damn wonderful - if I do say so myself, and I do.

It'll be interesting to see who rises from her ashes.

Hello all. Well it was an interesting night. Went out to play pool with my friend Meghan and her new fella - who seems very sweet. Who knew there were guys out there who still opened car doors? Two thumbs up for Meghan. Well done.
It was a fun night, despite the sort of nostalgic ache that comes from playing pool with someone other than karin, and watching a couple who's interaction sort of reminded me of ours. But I managed to just be happy for them, looking all cute together and amused by eachother. Which frankly surprised me quite a lot.
Good for me!
Anyway, we were quite drunk by the end of the night (but in a nice, non-un-healthy, way) and I fell asleep fairly fast.
Then about an hour later at around 2 or 2:30 in the morning, I wake up hearing people outside yelling "get out of the house, everybody, out!" And then a loud prolongued honking.
I was pissed. Thinking, there better be a good fucking explanaition, and assuming it was just obnoxious drunks (gotta hate the drunks).
So I sprang up out of bed, thats right, I sprang, and went to my bedroom window, ripping out the curtain and ready to yell at them to shut up.
Now, I don't think I've mentioned it before, but right across the street from my bedroom, the cutest little house in the neighbourhood was partially deconstructed and then moved, via HUGE tow-truck flatbed thing, to some other location, leaving a gaping hole in the ground and an empty lot. (they had to cut down the MOST beautiful ancient maple tree in the neighbourhood and seriously devaluing my view, which was sort of heartbreaking)
In the past few days, they have torn out the old basement, filled it back in with soil, and then redug a much larger pit with a ... hmm, can't think of the name of the machine. Huge yellow thing on tank treads with a big scooping shovel arm. Taller than the houses on either side. It's been just sitting there overnights for days.
And it was on fire. And I don't mean just fire. I mean FIRE. Billowing flames, from the treads right up to the elbow of that huge arm and then licking up into the air probably another 20 feet. The cab was an inferno.
Hell of a thing to see less then 30 feet outside your bedroom window at 2 in the morning.
Very exciting and scary and I was frankly shaking and stone cold sober in about ten seconds.

The guys yelling - who I think may have accidentally started it by screwing around and smoking near it, were terrified. One of them saying - "come on,everyone back to my house!" And others desperately trying to get everyone out of the nearby homes, because "the tank's gonna blow man!"
I heard one of them say they had called already and "they're on their way" so I didn't bother calling the fire department.
One young man was absolutely determined to go into "that house and get the people out." I assumed he was reffering to the little house that was standing not more than a few feet away from the flames. His buddies wouldn't let him, and physically held him back when he tried. You could hear SUCH desperation in his voice, as if he knew that their deaths would be his fault if he didn't do something and the thought made him come completely unglued. Which is why I suspect it was an accidental fuckup on his part rather than a malicious act.
Of course they could have just been guys walking by who noticed the conflagration and wanted to help. But if thats the case, that guy deserves a medal or something for ridiculously good intentions unjaded by guilt. He was the one who was convinced it was going to explode and he wanted to go up to their door, maybe ten feet from the gas tank, to get them out safely - when he couldn't even have known that there were people at home to save.
It was all very surreal.
Very quickly, within 5 minutes, the fire trucks showed up, with the police and firemarshal only seconds behind, and they got the fire put out in a huge steaming, smoking cloud that completely blanketed the neighbourhood; the sound of the machine's horn screaming in warbling tones for another ten minutes or so before it finally cut out.
They poked around the rubble of the machinery for longer than I managed to watch. I got up, got dressed and heading outside to make sure that there was some witness to explain to the cops that, if they HAD started the fire, they had at least regretted the action and tried to be heroes.
Before I got outside though I saw a small crowd of pajamas clad people outside on the street explaining pretty much the same thing.
I went back to bed.

It was a hell of a thing to watch.
Wish I'd had my video camera (hint to my sister).

Anyway, today I'm planning on doing laundry. Very exciting.

Hope everythings well with my future minions.

Well I'm back. I managed not to whine on here for one night anyway so that's something. I'm not here to whine though, other than about the depressing fact that I don't fit into any of my summer clothes.
It turns out that the bad feeling I had yesterday was simply fear. I'm never good at change even when I know what to expect but the unknown is worse and ... well its scary. And the horrible conversation me and karin had had the previous night left me uncertain of our ability to maintain even our friendship, afraid that she would just decide it wasn't worth the pain. Amusingly, it turns out she was worried I was thinking the same thing. And it scared the crap out of the both of us.
For the record, it also turns out that the NON-situational breakup conversation was a misunderstanding brought on by physical and emotional exhaustion on both our parts.
I thought she'd been saying that even if I could be happy in germany with her, or she could be happy in canada with me, she still wouldn't want to be together anymore.
Not so, she was simply saying that having money would not change the country and language problems. (the catalyst being a hypothetical "if we won the lottery" joke)
We'd be rich but I would still have to leave my family and be unable to speak to anyone but Karin every day of my life there. Or we'd be rich and she'd have to give up on the spiritual stuff, her language and culture, and deal with canadian winters.
Seeing me unhappy there and totally dependent on her, or me watching her be unhappy here, would eventually make us both unhappy. THAT'S the "situation".

Having spent the day concerned solely with losing the friendship, instead of bemoaning the romance, put some things in perspective though. It seems that I can deal with losing my fiance, as hard as it is I know I will get over it eventually. But I honestly don't think I'd ever get over losing my best friend. THAT would feel like a failure I couldn't live with.
As it is, I can, or at least eventually will, be able to think of all the amazing, funny, crazy times we spent together and smile. But if I lose the friendship, I know I would never be able to remember the last 4 and a half years of my life without getting sad, And that would suck because it really was the best time of my life so far - sucky goodyes not withstanding.

I'm sure I'll be back on here all weepy and drunk again a few more times at least. But tonight I seem to be finding the balance - between sadness over the loss, and expectation over what may still come. Truly close friendships aren't anything to cry over, and I know we'll be closer than most.

SO now I just have to get back on track with my plans for global domination. Global dominaters get all the hot chicks you know.

Wish me luck

Ive got a bad feeling about today. I'm not sure what it is exactly, or at least I can't seem to put it into words but.... I don't know. If anything specific materializes I'll let you know. Otherwise I'm gonna try and stop blogging for a few days at least. I have the next four days off so if it takes me hours and hours to fall asleep it doesn't matter as much. Writing it does seem to help and calm me down but I always seem to regret having written whatever it is that I've written.
And I THINK I had a bit of a breakthrough last night, not on here but later - we'll see of course. More about that some other time I guess.

Anyway, have a good day everyone and I'll talk to you soon.

okay, just wrote for an hour and then deleted the whole damn thiung. I couldn't bear to read it myself let alone think about anyone else reading it.

basically I'm pissed off at the world today. That's all that really needs to be said about it in terms of details.

Today it just became clear that the situational breakup would not makeup regardless of any new changes in the situation. VERY hard realization, hence more beer and tears and blah de blah de blah.

Am I the only one sick of this exploration into my pyche? I mean the whole experience is fascinating from a pychological standpoint. The rationalizations, the weird things that seem to bring comfort, and the things that set everything back days worth of recovery. But I mean, Gawd, I just wish I was over it already and looking forward to finding someone (WAY in the future) who actually loves me as much as I deserve to be loved. As much. Regardless of the quality or method of its expression. Someone who will choose me over anything else.

A Healthy Expresssion of Personal Goals - from someone sitting in a dark room drinking by herself.

Cause I'm smart enough and funny enough and "goshdarnit" people like me.

Today I'm pissed off. Yesterday I was sad and nostalgic. The day before that I was calm and accepting. Maybe tomorrow I'll be horny and on the prowl. Who the hell knows at this point? We could lay odds to make it more interesting. I think.... hmm... sardonically unaffected. Yup. That's the ticket to get through a 2 wedding workday at the flower shop a week after getting unengaged.
I'm not sure exactly how that would manifest, unaffected sardonicality, but I like the sound of it.

I guess we'll see.

(wow that didn't sound pissed off OR drunk, editing is a wonderful thing huh. Gotta love the delete button)

Okay, just for the record, I AM feeling better this morning. Hung over, yes. Sad, yes, but calm again.
Although embarrassed as hell about that last entry. What am I? 13? Going on about love like that.
Can we say Gak boys and girls?

Its just the curse of the insomniac/writer. Either I write it here and distract myself with the process of writing it, or I do it in my head and can't sleep.

And when I don't sleep lately the...um... the glue thats holding me together gets pretty thin and stretched out.
So I'm doing what I have to do.

Words of wisdom-

never blog drunk

well, this entry may completely negate the calm demeanor of the previous one. I don't know. We'll see.
I was good all day. Almost at peace with the whole breakup thing. Sad of course but sort of accepting.
One thought kept echoing in my head though... I honestly don't think that anyone will ever love me the way she did... and still does I guess.

And before I get a bunch of "no don't be silly" responses to this, I don't mean that no one will ever love me again, or that no one will love me as much as she does. I may have low self-esteem, but if Karin taught me anything its that I am actually pretty loveable sometimes.
I just mean that today I realized that "the way" she loved me is something I will always miss, no matter how well I may be loved by someone else.

And if any of you are going to a weird gay "blue nuit" sort of place, that's not what I'm talking about either so stop grimacing. I'm talking about the emotion not the act.

Everyone loves differently. Some are privately romantic, some are more overt, some are calm about it, or shy, or stoic, some people have walls, and some have no boundaries at all...it varies from person to person.
And Karin ... I don't even know how to describe it, or if I even should. Frankly I know I probably shouldn't but, fuck it, I'm a writer and if I don't put these things down my brain keeps editing phrases and trying to refine my thoughts inside my head and it makes it virtually impossible to sleep.

(And hell, she's not my girfriend anymore right? What's she gonna do? Breakup with me?)

The way Karin loves is so intrinsicly a part of her unique personality that there's no way it could be duplicated. Karin loves without any self-consciousness. Without any ego. If she thinks you're wonderful, she just says it. She doesn't worry about how you're going to take it; if you'll use it against her somehow. She doesn't try to hide it from you to keep you on your toes. She just says it.
And she loved me. There were times it seemed as if there was nothing I could do that wouldn't make her her whole face light up in amusement, or fondness, or amazement that anyone could be as sweet as I was.
And she made me want to live up to that. She made me sweeter, and funnier, and more amazing than I ever thought I could be. And that's going to be a pretty tough act to follow.

Our phone calls, since the breakup, have really helped in a lot of ways. I know that I haven't really lost her. And she hasn't lost me. Things have just changed. But tonight, in the midst of a normal conversation I had the sudden impulse to ask her to marry me. I actually inhaled and opened my mouth to say it and then choked it back when I realised what the hell I was doing.

Now, a phone proposal isn't as big a deal for us as it would be for other couples since I probably asked her to marry me about a hundred and fifty times in the course of our goofy and prolonged overseas courtship. It was our schtick. I meant it every time but it was acknowledged as a sort of running joke between us.

(Finally, of course, she gave in to my considerable charms and, in typical Karin pain in the ass fashion, got to enjoy the coup de grace when SHE asked ME, surprising and wooing me out of so much as a token payback refusal.)

But tonight, when I had to stop myself from popping that damn question for the one hundred and fifty-first time, I realised suddenly that, for the first time ever, the answer would have to be an unconditional no. Not "no its too soon", or "no, you wouldn't really want me to say yes over the phone"... but no... I want to, but no. I can't. Not ever.
And I completely lost it. Again.

And now I'm sitting here, stalling again, not able to face going to bed without her.

The stupidest thing about it all is that I know tomorrow morning I'll be fine again, or at least I think I will. A bit hungover perhaps, thanks to a little side trip to the liquor store after work, but relatively calm and accepting again.

If it wasn't for that damn bedroom everything would be fine. Which is ridiculous, since its not as if she even spent that much time there anyway. I've been going to sleep alone most nights for the past 4 and a half years, you'd think I'd be used to it.
It just never really felt as if I was before now.

I feel like I should have some clever play on words about the whole "the more things change the more they stay the same" thing. But I don't really. I acknowledge the truth of those words but...I can't really fit it into my current headspace. When things change, they just change, no matter how closely they follow their previous patterns.

If we woke up tomorrow and the sky was green, would anything really be affected? We'd still have to get up and go to work. There'd still be bills to pay, dishes to be done. We'd still have to spend more time then we want to balling socks, and waiting in lines at the bank. Nothing would change but the backdrop. But that backdrop would colour everything in a slightly different shade.

I still get up and go to work. I still watch bad reality tv, and read lame-ass novels from the library that I picked because the cover art appealed to me. I still eat melted cheese on every justifiable thing. And I still talk to Karin every evening.

But nothing is the same. We aren't engaged. We aren't even a couple. And I just want the old blue sky back.

Sorry, I'm trying to end on a positive note but I can't quite find it.


Karin told me tonight that I should remember that she will always love me the way she loves me, and that I will thus (my word not hers, she has never actually used the word thus) be doubly blessed when I find someone else who also loves me - in some other way.

And she's probably right. She usually is. That's part of the reason she's such a pain in the ass.

Hmm

I just realised that I have never fallen in love with anyone who WASN"T a pain in the ass.

What does that say about me?
Or is it society?

Surely EVERYONE can't be a pain in the ass.

Is that my type???

I can see it now...

38 year old single
female seeks
pain in the ass
aged 25-45
for meaningless
rebound relationship
German citizens
need not apply


Ah, there it is.
The positive note.

They say its good to start with a joke, but I'd always rather end on one.

Goodnight all.

well folks, its been a rough week. I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time but there wasn't much to say really.
Unfortunately that's changed. Since last I checked in, She Who Must Not Be Named, came for a visit over xmas. It was wonderful as usual, and it was determined that next year, her xmas visit would be a permanent change of address to Canada. Good stuff. The culmination of a four and a half year old dream.

Sadly that is not going to happen. SHE has stumbled onto a path that simply doesn't lead her here. If she lived in the states, or any other english, or even french, speaking place, I would simply join her there and we would go on with our plans to live happily ever after. Its what we both want, still. But the German language is simply beyond me and since she is not independently wealthy and couldn't manage to feed and house us both on her single non-existant income, and I couldn't find work there...we hit a fork in the road ... and it forked us both.

So here we are, seperated as always by an ocean and thousands of miles, and oddly, feeling closer than ever inspite of our offical breakup, or maybe because of it.
I admit that I feel a strange combination of a thousand negative emotions regarding the path that she's on, and concern that it won't lead her to the fulfillment and happiness that she expects... but a part of me is very aware of the fact that it isn't a path that I could ever whole-heartedly walk with her. So perhaps, giving her the freedom to find someone who can, is the kindest thing I can do.

But it's harder than I can even express... to step aside and trust that whoever comes along will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I KNOW that I would never hurt her but the universe...? SHE might trust in it's benign machinations but, while in the long run it may indeed have our best interest at heart, in the short term I've found that it simply doesn't give a shit about fairness or karma or breaking eggs to make some future omelet that we will savour every bite of.

Dangling participle


I don't mean to put on some noble mask here. I realize, at least intellectually, that in the long run I could probably find someone who would fit me better as well. Someone who doesn't search constantly for unknowable answers from a universe that speaks only in whispers that you can only ever hear in hindsite. Someone who doesn't stress about every non-recycled item. Someone who is not perpetually tardy and moving in the slowest possible gear.

But everytime I try to visualize that person, they also seem to lack the things I already miss so much it makes me feel physically ill.
The almost childlike joy in the simplest things.
The curiosity about everything, from cosmic energy to the proper spelling, pronunciation, and derivation of every new word she stumbled across.
The perpetually sleepy vulnerability.
The goofy sense of humour.
The absolute trust she had in me.
The way she looked at me as if I was her favorite person in the whole world.
No games, no hidden agendas.
Nothing said, or left unsaid, for effect.
Ever.

*long pause for shaky swearing and tissue grabbing*

Deep breath.

At any rate, we are trying desperately to transition into a platonic relationship...just close friends who talk on the phone and, hopefully, someday are able to actually visit eachother in their perspective countries, and to say goodbye without weeping and clinging to eachother in various airports and bus stations. So far the transition is actually progressing okay.
We're leaning on eachother, crying on eachothers shoulders because no one else really understands what its like.

And I'm not saying that because I think our love is "so special" that no one else has ever felt this sort of pain... everyone feels that way when their hearts are breaking and its never actually the case.
What I'm saying is that I simply don't know anyone who has had a long distance relationship for so long, or so far, nor anyone who had to break up with someone on another continent so they couldn't even give them a goodbye hug, or look them in the eye when you end your engagement.

Its not necesarily harder. It may even be easier, although I do find that hard to imagine.
Its just different. That's all. She knows what I'm going through cause she's going through it too. We love eachother and want eachother to be happy above everything else, so who should we turn to if not eachother?

She tells me that since we had "the best relationship ever, we'll have the best breakup ever, and then we really will be best friends". That kind of naive thinking is one of the things I love most about her and if anyone can make it actually happen, its her.

So here I am, feeling closer to her than I ever have and that does give some comfort, even as it makes it harder to say goodbye to the future we thought we were going to have together.

And stalling because, for the first time in four and a half years, I don't have anyone to imagine waking up next to.

Dangling participle

I just read over what I have written and realise that I sound far calmer than I thought I was capable of at the moment. Certainly calmer than I was a few days ago, which would not have even registered on a calmness scale of 1 - 10.
I'm breathing again. I've gone the whole day without any convulsive weeping, although I did mist up from time to time. (the little crying jag earlier during the writing of this doesn't count, extenuating circumstances). Talking to Karin, working on the transition is definitely helping. Together we are mourning our future as a couple, without having to miss eachother (as friends at least) in the present. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but then again, nothing about us has ever made sense. For the most part, it worked pretty damned well though.

We had a great run and I wouldn't change anything at all, except to maybe hope for a sequel.

Here endeth the babbling.

Karin and Janet, THE ROMANCE - jan 20 2003 - may 9 2009 R.I.P

Karin and Janet, THE FRIENDSHIP Jan 20 2003 - ?

To be continued

just a quick hallo to let folks know that I'm doing better than I was last entry.  I would almost have to be I guess.  Nothing has really changed but I seem to be generally happier about it.  Actually laughed out loud three days in a row.  I'm gettin back to normal I guess.  Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts.  Much appreciated.
 

hello folks,

don't bother reading this entry if you are looking for a giggle, or a pick me up, cause I am sadly deficient on both scores at the moment.

No worries, there have been no catastrophies, nothing obvious that I can point my finger to and say, "that...that is the problem with my life and the cause of every moment of "blah"".

And yet those blah moments persist in persisting. Which is why I haven't been writing I think. I started this journal on a sort of amusing platform and I can't seem to climb my fat ass back up onto it.

But you know what, fuck it. I feel like babbling, or at least I feel like babbling more than I feel like going to bed. Just disregard this entry and do something else, google your favorite tv show and read some bios. This is just wallowing and, while I apparently need to do it, you don't need to read it. Trust me.

Do you ever feel like everything you want is SO close you could almost reach out and touch it but for some reason you've got your hands tied behind your back?

That's my whole fucking life right now it seems. I'm ALMOST in a great relationship. I ALMOST like my job. I ALMOST have enough money to not have to beg from family and friends. I almost and almost and almost.
And frankly I'm sick to death of the whole fucking thing.

I just finished reading my brother's journal, which I haven't done in weeks and weeks and he is SO happy with his life at the moment that it has made me realise how far I am from that and it has completely bummed me out.

It just seems like I have absolutely no control in my own damn life. I'm engaged but have absolutely NO control over when SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED finally gets her ass to Canada so we can start our damn life together already.

I can't change the fact that, while my job doesn't pay me enough, I can't quit to pursue other things because then I lose the assistance I'm getting from "workfare". I can look for other work while still employed but without french I can't get the jobs I want, and I can't afford to get french training.
And despite all the supportive and encouraging words from family and friends, I can't change the simple fact that, while I AM intelligent, I am desperately incompetent when it comes to certain things, and even getting my french won't change that. Despite four years of secondary training in various computer and "people" skills at algonquin, the barrier of that incompetence is as solid as it ever was and the harder I batter at it the more solid it becomes.

I can almost hear you all grinding your teeth and shaking your heads but the fact is, you all aren't inside my head. Intelligence should be enough. I know. But it's not. Call it a learning disability, a social phobia, call it a fucking banana daquirie if you want but it doesn't change the fact that it is NOt something I can just suck up and overcome.

So what the hell do I do? Keep battering and feeling more and more like a failure? Settle for the almost good life I have at the moment?
I have no clue.

BLAH!

See? Wallowing.

I know.

Okay, looking for a positive note to end this on that doesn't sound contrived and insincere. I don't want people worrying about me and shit. frankly I want to delete this whole entry but then I'm even a failure at wallowing which is just more than I could bear at the moment. It's just so hard. I KNOW things aren't as bad as they seem. The fact is most people don't like their jobs at all and I almost do. And many people go there whole lives without loving someone the way I currently love someone. And hell, I could be living on the street or have no family or friends from whom to beg money when things get tight.

I'm just having a hard time finding comfort from any of that right now. I'm sick of missing her, sick of retail, sick of being broke and going without. And I'm sick of the person that doing all that is turning me into.

And I'm sick of whining about it when whining doesn't do a damn thing.

I'm going to bed.

Well hello folks, I know it's been a while but I've been busy. Well, that's a big fat lie. But I HAVE been distracted and that has to count for something. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED returned from her last trip, (it was to Turkey by the way), and is now on another trip, this time to switzerland, for five days, three more to go. Apparently I only blog when she is away. Sorry.
My pysiotherapy is done. I'm still working a lot but thankfully the garden centre finally closed so it's back to normal. My big bro is leaving to live in montreal in a couple of days. Which is cool. Not his leaving exactly, but he's obviously excited and happy about it so I'm happy for him. Plus, now that I've actually met the woman he's moving to be with, I can honestly say that I look forward to going to visit them. Thank god.
Hmm...what else? Oh, we all (siblings and The Birthgiver) got together for a pre-birthday/bonvoyage type party at mexicali rosa's, which was awesome, and I got a video camera, (all hail the Birthgiver!!!) Which is even awesomer. That's right. I said it. Awesomer.
Sadly that's about all I have to report. Frankly the last few months have NOT been easy on my self-esteem and confidence, for a lot of stupid little reasons, and so my plans for global dominance have been put on hold for now. But time will pass and I will climb back up on my golden pedastal, have no fear.

Well oh my god minions, I'm free, for two days at least. Just finished a 7 day stretch at the store and I'm exhausted beyond measure. The problem is that I did a six day stretch before that with only one day off in between. Plus there was the mother's day madness in the mix. (In one day we did more than 7 times the average daily sales)

Anyhoo, on the non-job front, SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED is away on vacation and so I am missing her like crazy, stressing out about her safety, and generally feeling sorry for myself. No contact for 2 weeks... don't know what I'll do with myself in the meantime.

Tomorrow, my first day off, I have to go to my first physiotherapy appointment. Dreading it. And really dreading walking to it in the rain. Typical, for the last two weeks, while I had to work, it has been glorious outside. Its supposed to rain, a LOT, tomorrow and the day after...but be shiny and bright on thursday when I have to go back to work. First thing I'm doing when I become supreme global comander is take all the brilliance in the world that's being wasted on fixing things that ain't broke, and making them smaller and smaller, and aplying them towards perfecting a global weather control system - or at least a regional system... a couple of city blocks would be okay too... maybe I'll just hire someone to follow me around with a big umbrella...like micheal jackson has. That would be pretty sweet.

-speaking of mother's day, I want to send a big shout out to the birthgiver. You done good. Your legacy of patience and understanding will be well-reflected in the constitution of future earth - where you shall hold a seat of priviledge and honour - this I say, and so it shall be done.

Words of wisdom

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS
Especially the really elderly elders. They may look all cute and cuddly but inside they are just adults who've been around for a while. And they DESERVE to be treated with the respect they have spent a lifetime earning.
They have gone through things we can't imagine, survived hardships that we will never have to bear.
Talking to them, or treating them, as if they were children is disrespectful, obnoxious and so infuriating that I can hardly think straight.

My grandmother is quite elderly and the idea of ANYONE treating HER like a child is absolutely unforgivable.

Sorry, I have my reasons for that rant but I don't want to get into it.
Bottom line - don't mess with my gramma or you'll be the first to burn when the revolution comes.

On the insistence of my Seester, I am making a new entry. Okay?
Unfortunately I have nothing to say except YAWWWWWNNNNN.

I hate garden centres. They steal all the florists and put them outside, leaving the few of us left behind with all the indoor work - weddings, funerals, christenings, bitchy and demanding customers who just wanna buy flowers for themselves, friends, family, mistresses and so on.

I am tired. I have been tired for more than a month now almost nonstop. Which is why I have not been coming online.

Words of wisdom

Avoid working in retail at all costs.

Actually, avoid work in general if you can manage it. I am personally looking forward to my life of leisure as the head of a new utopian society.

Hello all, hope this day finds you all well.

Have you ever noticed that all hydro ottawa envelopes are backwards and upside down? Always. Have been for years. Why is that? Do they get a discount price on cheap envelopes or what?

Apparently this year they decided not to play jesus christ superstar on tv. Dammit. Really early xmas, and/or birthday present idea. The dvd of that musical. OR the dvd set of Zena warrior princess. Cliche I knowm, but I really did enjoy that show and lately I have been totally jonsing for some tv butt kicking.

It's been a very productive three days off. I paid my rent, finally got a dr's appointment and got him to finish the last of my insurance forms. I got a hair cut. I met up with my friend susan and saw "music and lyrics" at the theatre at st. laurent. I finished the latest string of edits to the anthology. ( unfortunately after a long chat with darth mollusc it seems I have more work to do, tying the stories into a cohesive collection). I did laundry. I went to rideau centre and looked into exchanging one of SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED's xmas gifts that didn't work correctly.

So...good for me.

Am suddenly veryt very tired so I'm gonna go to bed now.
Words of wisdom
When you are tired go to bed.

night all

HALOOO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, that's about all the enthusiasm I can muster right now. My mood is fine, but I am still physically exhausted due to crazy easter/floral schedule at work. The store is closed today, thank jesus - literally I guess - so I have today off and then I gotta be at work for 7 tomorrow morning and then I have three days off in a row! Woo hoo!
Sorry I haven't been writing but doing 28 hours on my feet then one day off then 40 more hours straight has left me kind of pooped. I haven't really felt much like being online.
I've been pretty much just working and then watching tv. Gathering my energies for the grand future to come. I have also been carefullu scanning the tv guide looking for the easter showing of jesus christ superstar - so I can get the thing on tape. I love that movie. Jesus and judas both have the best damn movie musical voices EVER. It doesn't seem to be on this year though.
Again, I must apologize for ignoring my flock. But you haven't been forgotten.

WORDS OF WISDOM

- I got nothing. .... um..... Oh, I know....when you have nothing, get all zen about it. A void can be very peaceful. A clean slate. Nowhere to go but up. A place for everything, cause all places are vacant. You are free of the envy of others. You are secure against theft and loss.

- if you babble enough, eventually SOMETHING will strike a chord in someone, and you will sound wise. I'll just keep babbling until such a thing occurs.

ps. Isn't my eye pretty?

Hallo minions. I've missed you. Sorry I haven't been writing but, as my last entry should attest, I wasn't feeling particularly inspiring. I'm still not, but my mood has improved somewhat. I finally managed to articulate that thing I was trying to write for SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED and so my mood and our phone conversations are back to their wonderful state of normalcy, or their normal state of wonderfulness. (which is actually what I thought I was writing, apparently my brain is backwards tonight.)
Been working hard. Easters coming up so the store is a madhouse.
Aside from that there's nothing new to report. Which is another reason I haven't been coming in.
Um...... nope, I just can't think of anything funny or thought provoking to say. Sorry.
Man, its a good thing your all readingh this from the future where I am already worshipped and have proven my worthiness to the every man, woman and child. (but especially the women) :o) Otherwise, you would all think I was just a boring do-nothing.

Words of wisdom

The victors are always the ones who write the history books, so never beleive what you read about the past.
Only beleive things written about the future. Like my greatness. I defy anyone to disprove that which is yet to happen.
And after the day of ascension, I'm gonna seem that much more brilliant for having seen it all coming.

Muah ha ha ha haaaaa